Survivor moms

• Ask her how she is doing. Others may be reluctant to ask because they are afraid of the answer. If she feels like talking about her loss today, you have given her an invitation to do so.

• Share what worked for you. If you have experienced something similar, share what worked for you. Avoid detailed stories about you because you are really there to support her. Share just enough of what you consider to be your common experience, then share what worked for you.

• Don’t remind her of her “blessings.” This is a big "do not." Survivors report that they find this comment very hurtful and not at all helpful.

• Do remind her of positive memories. If you have positive memories of her child, share them with her, in detail. Although it is nice to say, "John was a great guy," it is much more powerful to say, "John was a great guy. Did he ever tell you about the time when he..." You are giving her a valuable gift by sharing your memories.

• Invite her for a visit. Even though she may never take you up on it, you are giving her an option and a choice at a time when she may feel like she has little of either.

• Talk with her significant other. Even though this sounds too obvious to suggest, it may be necessary. If she thinks that talking about their loss will make him upset, she may be unlikely to bring it up. Their loss may then become the secret they never talk about, which may leave both of them feeling very isolated.

• Take your cue from her - what does she want? Some days she may want to talk about her loss, other days she may want to talk about gardening. Both are OK.

• Offer to watch her other children. I suggest this for two reasons. First, she may value the break from her kids and enjoy some time alone or with her spouse/significant other. Second, she may be so deep in her grief that she is inadvertently neglecting to care for her other children.