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Suggestions for Moms
- Ask her how she is
doing. Others may be reluctant to ask
because they are afraid of the answer. If she feels like
talking about her loss today, you have given her an
invitation to do so.
- Share what worked for
you. If you have experienced something
similar, share what worked for you. Avoid detailed stories
about you because you are really there to support her. Share
just enough of what you consider to be your common
experience, then share what worked for you.
- Don’t remind her of
her “blessings.” This is a big "do
not." Survivors report that they find this comment very
hurtful and not at all helpful.
- Do remind her of
positive memories. If you have
positive memories of her child, share them with her, in
detail. Although it is nice to say, "John was a great guy,"
it is much more powerful to say, "John was a great guy. Did
he ever tell you about the time when he..." You are giving
her a valuable gift by sharing your memories.
- Invite her for a
visit. Even though she may never take
you up on it, you are giving her an option and a choice at a
time when she may feel like she has little of either.
- Talk with her
significant other. Even though this
sounds too obvious to suggest, it may be necessary. If she
thinks that talking about their loss will make him upset,
she may be unlikely to bring it up. Their loss may then
become the secret they never talk about, which may leave
both of them feeling very isolated.
- Take your cue from
her - what does she want? Some days
she may want to talk about her loss, other days she may want
to talk about gardening. Both are OK.
- Offer to watch her
other children. I suggest this for two
reasons. First, she may value the break from her kids and
enjoy some time alone or with her spouse/significant other.
Second, she may be so deep in her grief that she is
inadvertently neglecting to care for her other children.
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